On The Nose

The band Nirvana once had a song entitled “I Hate Myself and Want to Die.” This song was not released on any of their major albums. However, this song is an excellent example of the concept known as being “on the nose.” In fact, this song title was a little too on the nose, as Kurt Cobain hated himself so much that he killed himself a year after writing the song.
…In connection with this, I am now trying to think of examples in my life where I was too on the nose, as poor Kurt Cobain was too on the nose. Once, I insulted a fat girl by calling her “fat.” In a similar vein, I once insulted a white trash guy by calling him “white trash.” I could have used many other insults, but it is unforgivable in life to say exactly what a person is. If I had called the girl “a bitch,” I could have maybe been forgiven. Likewise if I had just called the guy “a jerk.” As it was though, I was not forgiven. The guy punched me in the face. The girl never let me enter her house again.
(And by the way, if you need another example of being too on the nose, here is one: some of you may have read the title of this essay and thought that it was on the topic of noses. It is obviously not an essay about that. But if this essay “On the Nose” had been on the nose, then this essay on the nose would have been too on the nose, if you follow me. Anyway.)
…In life, you should probably strive to avoid being too on the nose. Here is an example of that, and of what you should avoid doing. Say that you are in love with a girl, but you are worried that she might break up with you. Avoid, then, saying this to her: “Honey, I love you absolutely and if you ever abandoned me I would spend the next three months sleeping on the couch in a suicidal pot-induced trance. I would abandon this trance only occasionally to get Chinese food leftovers from the fridge or to order more Chinese food, or to masturbate. But I would be masturbating to your image, and I would fail to masturbate successfully, and I would cry. I would check your Facebook 10,000 times and interpret every comment and picture as a sign that you are dating a newer hotter guy. A photo of a cat? Is that a new cat? Did he give that to her? I would think to myself. Going out to dinner? Is she going out to dinner with him? Such would be my thoughts. I would attempt to hack into your Gmail. Many, many times I would attempt to hack into your Gmail. I would attempt to guess your password based on random stray remarks that you have made about things that you are affectionate about, making such password guesses as ‘Dostoyevskylover1′ and ‘poodlegirl.’ These guesses would all be unsuccessful and I would know that they would be unsuccessful, but they would help fill up the empty moments of my abandoned life. In short, as I said before, you leaving me would drive me to the brink of suicidal despair and beyond. So don’t ever leave me, darlin’, for that is how I feel about you.”
Such comments are, of course, entirely accurate. Unfortunately, they are far too on the nose and will creep the girl the fuck out. So instead of saying something like that, say something like this: “Hey I really like those new shoes that you’re wearing.” See? Much better and not so on the nose.
The difference between these two comments may seem like a subtle one to you. But it is exactly on such subtle distinctions that our entire civilization is founded. …Indeed, many people would argue that this is all that “civilization” really is: avoiding saying what it is that you are actually thinking about something. However, you should probably avoid pointing out such a thing in conversation — because doing that would be way too on the nose.

 http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/on-the-nose/

Welcome to Dumpsville — Population: You. Breaking up is hard to do, but not that hard, because I just don’t like you anymore. But how to signify that in an easy way? Here are the methods by which I indicate to my significant other that I am “just not that into them” anymore. They are listed in order of increasing intensity. I hope that they work as well for you as they have for me:

1. I respond to at least 40% of your interjections with the following word: “Huh.”
2. I build a small fort in the center of the living room out of blankets, pillows, and a table, and name it “Oliver’s Place.” I spend a lot of time there. Not sure why exactly. I just feel safer and more secure there.
3. When we watch the movie Star Wars I quote all the dialogue along with the movie in real time, instead of just letting you watch the damn movie. All the dialogue, even terrible and obscure pieces of dialogue like “Thank the maker! This oil bath is going to feel so-ooo good.”
4. I no longer attempt to craft my anecdotes or select them with any care, instead subjecting you to stories like The Time My Plane Sat on the Runaway for Three Damn Hours, or That Time I Went to the Dentist for a Cleaning.
5. I express a new interest in horrendously boring yet solitary hobbies: weaving, macramé, pop-topping, learning how to play the lute.
6. I begin to actively express my true lustful thoughts for Keira Knightly. …Oh, Keira.
7. I begin to express my internal monologue to our cat, in which said activity you sometimes catch me. “I dunno, cat, how I feel about things right now.” “When I look at her, cat, her eyes just seem dead to me.“
8. I only ever cook you plain pasta with sauce, the easiest, boringest, and most passive-aggressive-est thing to cook.
9. I email Mark Zuckerberg and ask if he can make “Wavering” a new Facebook relationship status.
10. I ask if your sister is still married to that dude or if she’s back on the market now.
11. I actively fantasize about alternative paths that my life could have taken, but because I met you, my life did not take those paths: “I bet I would have made a good Senator. Or President. I could be the President. ‘The State of the Union is Strong.’ See? I can do that. Or, ‘These pundits and analysis want to slice-and-dice us, divide us into Red States and Blue States. But I say to you all today: we are one nation.’ …See how easy that is? But instead I’m here with you. Or I could have been that guy who does voice-overs for movie trailers. I mean really, how hard could that be…?”
12. This is an important one: I send you an actual email or leave you a voicemail informing you that I am breaking up with you.
13. I start extolling the virtues of celibacy via various social media outlets.
14. I start blocking you on various social media outlets.
15. Via email, I cede complete ownership of the cat to you, even though I love that f-cking cat more than you do, but whatever. Anything. Anything that you want.
16. I spend so much time on macramé to distract myself from the break-up — which really, come on, it really should be over by now — but I do so much macrame that I actually do become good at macramé. (But I remain only barely competent with the lute.)
17. I move to a country wherein umlauts and gravé accent marks are used over the vowels.
18. Oh please god make it stop.
19. Various law enforcement authorities are notified.
20. I get married to a girl. Or possibly a guy at this point — whichever — in which case I move to Provincetown where I open a macramé store. I have children, or adopt them. I develop a deep and loving bond with my life-partner. The children grow; I grow. For the first time in my life, I develop a real and lasting sense of calm. I am able to walk in the garden and stare at our old oak tree and empty my mind, and think nothing more than: “I am standing in the garden. I am looking at the old oak tree. This is good.” I settle into my autumn years. My life has changed and I reflect back on it all, how my children have grown and are pieces of me but are different pieces than I could ever have imagined. Life is life. I am happy. Please stop texting me.

 http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/signs-that-im-trying-to-break-up-with-you-in-order-of-increasing-intensity/

“I never wanted to hurt you.” Uh, duh. Thanks. The road to hell is paved with good intentions and lines like this, buddy.

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/things-people-say-after-a-break-up/

KT in Boulder

tried the best I couldd

He awoke each morning with the desire to do right, to be a good and meaningful person, to be, as simple as it sounded and as impossible as it actually was, happy. And during the course of each day his heart would descend from his chest into his stomach. By early afternoon he was overcome by the feeling that nothing was right, or nothing was right for him, and by the desire to be alone. By evening he was fulfilled: alone in the magnitude of his grief, alone in his aimless guilt, alone even in his loneliness. I am not sad, he would repeat to himself over and over, I am not sad. As if he might one day convince himself. Or fool himself. Or convince others—the only thing worse than being sad is for others to know that you are sad. I am not sad. I am not sad. Because his life had unlimited potential for happiness, insofar as it was an empty white room. He would fall asleep with his heart at the foot of his bed, like some domesticated animal that was no part of him at all. And each morning he would wake with it again in the cupboard of his rib cage, having become a little heavier, a little weaker, but still pumping. And by the midafternoon he was again overcome with the desire to be somewhere else, someone else, someone else somewhere else. I am not sad.

perfect drug

I’ve been in love before, it’s like a narcotic. At first it brings the euphoria of complete surrender. The next day you want more. You’re not addicted yet, but you like the sensation, and you think you can still control things.You think about the person you love for two minutes then forget them for three hours. But then you get used to that person, and you begin to be completely dependent on them. Now you think about him for three hours and forget him for two minutes. If he’s not there, you feel like an addict who can’t get a fix. And just as addicts steal and humiliate themselves to get what they need, you’re willing to do anything for love.

troublemaker

Like a hand you reached out to me
The thunder rolls in with the dark
Tiny fingers on the edges
Watch it unravel
Pulling everything apart

In the back we stay together
The walls are shaking in their skin
Does it become you troublemaker
Watch them unravel you
Pulling everything apart

Someday out of the blue
It will find you
Always
Always a face to remind me
Someone like you
Someone like you
Someone like you

You watch the shape these things are taking
Do you cry out in your sleep
Does it become you when you’re under
Your heart is racing you’re taking everything too hard

When you walk away
You show me how
Come pull me under

Someday out of the blue
It will find you
Always
Always a face to remind me
Someone like you
Someone like you
Someone like you

Someday out of the blue
It will find you
Always
Always a face to remind you